Sunday, August 7, 2011

Jane Doe Wannabe

Jane Doe Wannabe Asks:

I am so sick of being called Mom, Mommy, Mama and Babe. Seriously, those words always preface something involving a whine or a needy comment. Sometimes hearing those words makes me want to pull out a hand gun and shoot everyone in the face.


There are only 3 things in life that are certain: death, taxes and being annoyed.  Some of us are fortunate enough to live in a bomb shelter under the ground with no communication with the outside world.  Now, I am one of these people.  You could also be one of these people, just not with me.  Unless you are able to sneak out and never come back, you are going to have to suffer... and suffer you shall!  Everyone expects you to wipe their a$$ and when it isn't actually a baby, it gets reaaaaallll annoying.  Good luck to you... or good luck finding a quick way to end your life!   

Miss Advice

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Picky Prude

Picky Prude asks:

I've been seeing this guy and it really bothers me that he doesn't use a flat sheet on his bed- only a comforter. Should I say something? I mean, I grew up that it was fitted sheet, flat sheet, thin blanket, comforter. What should I do?


I am completely and utterly amazed that you could find a guy that wants to show you his bed. It sounds to me like you are a bit on the frigid side. Nonetheless, guys that live alone do not know proper bed making etiquette. They were all clearly raised in barns. Just be glad he doesn't sleep on a BARE mattress. Now that's just freakin' nasty. Namaste!

Miss Advice

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Other Other Woman

The Other Other Woman asks:

Does your significant other have a 'work spouse'? If so how the hell do you handle it? Would you even allow it?


(imagine this being performed by Mo'Nique circa her Oscar award winning portrayal of Precious' mother in the movie: Precious based on the novel Push by Sapphire)

Oh no she isn't!!! You lettin' some hussy move in on yo man! You need a go down to that office and snatch tha motha ******* weave off that ******* head cause she is tryna steal yo man! I would NOT allow some rat-faced girl to eye MY MAN. Do NOT allow that or they gonna be makin' you look tha fool!

Smack him upside the head for even playin' that wich you. He only got ONE wife and that piece a paper has YOUR name on it!

Your frin,

Miss Advice

Friday, May 21, 2010

Weedy Wife

Weedy Wife asks:

Dear Miss Advice,

Since my husband lost his job last year, we have been struggling to get by. His friend, a questionable character, has offered him a job selling pot. I'm worried that he will get mixed up with the wrong crowd, and that our family might eventually be put in harms way if a deal goes bad. What should I do? Should I put my foot down and say he shouldn't sell? We could use the money, but I'm not sure that the risks are worth it.

Yours truly,

Weedy Wife


Think of it this way, it could be meth. And no one wants their house to blow up. I applaud your husband's willingness to provide for his family. He really seems to care about you guys and your well being. I hope he's a good salesman. Was his last job in the used car business? Tell him to google "pusher" and make sure he knows the best way to get his product out there. I suggest loitering outside of middle schools and high schools. He might also start up a cover business with a secret code for his pot.

Anyway, good luck to him- and to you- broken kneecaps can be quite painful and take awhile to heal.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Bad Friend

Bad Friend asks:

My husband talks badly about my friend all the time and tries to make me think I can't trust her. What should I do? Should I pick my husband?


Of course pick your husband! Women are completely subservient and should be dominated by men in every way shape and form. Who needs friends when you have a man in your life? Men are rocks, they are stability, they can do no wrong. So, absolutely tell your husband he is wonderful for suggesting such things about your friend and then get barefoot and pregnant and cook a feast for him!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Awesome Friend

Awesome friend asks:

My friend's boyfriend made an inappropriate comment to me on Facebook. Should I unfriend him?


I would love to know what this inappropriate comment was! Was he hitting on you? Did he tell you off? These things make a difference.

Either way, the solution is simple. Get his phone number and ask him to meet you for drinks sometime. If he agrees, flirt with him, convince him to sleep with you and video tape it. Do this repeatedly for about 6 months and then provide all the videotapes to said friend. She will greatly appreciate how much effort you put into proving to her how unworthy he is and you will quickly become her BEST friend.

Hey, you might want to go ahead and post these videos on the internet just so that he is exposed for being a slimeball. I'm sure no one will think badly of you.

Miss Advice

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Desperately Seeking Something

Desperately Seeking Something asks:

I was invited to a Halloween party and can not think of anything to wear! I don't want to look like a dork and just throw on a white sheet. What do you suggest?


My mom always said "be yourself." Okay, YOUR mom probably said that, my mom just said, "conform, conform or everyone will hate you." Anyway, assuming your mom told you to be yourself, why not do that?

And you could just be yourself... but in corpse form. Make yourself look like you've recently been murdered. In order to make this realistic, why not ask a friend to stab you repeatedly in the kidney? You would then be naturally drained of color and not have to wear white face paint. Once you get to the party, feel free to lie down on the floor and let the blood pool. If someone asks if you're okay, don't respond. You can't go out of character.

You'll be the life of the party! You're welcome!

Miss Advice