Jane Doe Wannabe

Jane Doe Wannabe Asks:

I am so sick of being called Mom, Mommy, Mama and Babe. Seriously, those words always preface something involving a whine or a needy comment. Sometimes hearing those words makes me want to pull out a hand gun and shoot everyone in the face.

Answer:

There are only 3 things in life that are certain: death, taxes and being annoyed.  Some of us are fortunate enough to live in a bomb shelter under the ground with no communication with the outside world.  Now, I am one of these people.  You could also be one of these people, just not with me.  Unless you are able to sneak out and never come back, you are going to have to suffer... and suffer you shall!  Everyone expects you to wipe their a$$ and when it isn't actually a baby, it gets reaaaaallll annoying.  Good luck to you... or good luck finding a quick way to end your life!   


Miss Advice

Picky Prude

Picky Prude asks:

I've been seeing this guy and it really bothers me that he doesn't use a flat sheet on his bed- only a comforter. Should I say something? I mean, I grew up that it was fitted sheet, flat sheet, thin blanket, comforter. What should I do?

Answer:

I am completely and utterly amazed that you could find a guy that wants to show you his bed. It sounds to me like you are a bit on the frigid side. Nonetheless, guys that live alone do not know proper bed making etiquette. They were all clearly raised in barns. Just be glad he doesn't sleep on a BARE mattress. Now that's just freakin' nasty. Namaste!

Miss Advice

Weedy Wife

Weedy Wife asks:

Dear Miss Advice,

Since my husband lost his job last year, we have been struggling to get by. His friend, a questionable character, has offered him a job selling pot. I'm worried that he will get mixed up with the wrong crowd, and that our family might eventually be put in harms way if a deal goes bad. What should I do? Should I put my foot down and say he shouldn't sell? We could use the money, but I'm not sure that the risks are worth it.

Yours truly,

Weedy Wife

Answer:

Think of it this way, it could be meth. And no one wants their house to blow up. I applaud your husband's willingness to provide for his family. He really seems to care about you guys and your well being. I hope he's a good salesman. Was his last job in the used car business? Tell him to google "pusher" and make sure he knows the best way to get his product out there. I suggest loitering outside of middle schools and high schools. He might also start up a cover business with a secret code for his pot.

Anyway, good luck to him- and to you- broken kneecaps can be quite painful and take awhile to heal.

Desperately Seeking Something

Desperately Seeking Something asks:

I was invited to a Halloween party and can not think of anything to wear! I don't want to look like a dork and just throw on a white sheet. What do you suggest?

Answer:

My mom always said "be yourself." Okay, YOUR mom probably said that, my mom just said, "conform, conform or everyone will hate you." Anyway, assuming your mom told you to be yourself, why not do that?

And you could just be yourself... but in corpse form. Make yourself look like you've recently been murdered. In order to make this realistic, why not ask a friend to stab you repeatedly in the kidney? You would then be naturally drained of color and not have to wear white face paint. Once you get to the party, feel free to lie down on the floor and let the blood pool. If someone asks if you're okay, don't respond. You can't go out of character.

You'll be the life of the party! You're welcome!

Miss Advice