Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Does God lose his teeth?
What an interesting question! I asked God because for once, I didn't know the answer. He told me that the only time he loses his teeth is when the devil tempts him to eat Laffy Taffy. That is his one weakness. Otherwise, God is a big advocate of oral hygiene. He brushes his teeth 3 times a day with an Oral B electronic toothbrush. Plus, little known fact is that the reason he was mad at Adam & Eve for eating the apple from the forbidden tree is that those were HIS apples! God's mommy told him that an apple a day keeps the dentist away and so he did not want to share his apples. God avoids doctors and dentists like the plague.
Now, thanks to Johnny Appleseed, there are apple trees everywhere, so God doesn't mind sharing.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Where do babies come from?
That is a very good question! There's this rumor going around that babies are made from men and women "hooking up" and some ridiculous egg and sperm mumbo jumbo, but that is a total myth!
Anyone who has half a brain knows that babies are made in a woman's tummy after she drinks too many margaritas. There is some chemical compound in the alcohol used for margaritas that once it hits a woman's stomach, the churning and whipping around creates a baby!
You might wonder why this doesn't work on men. First is that men tend to drink beer and not margaritas. So, over time evolution has not made those chemical reactions in men. Occasionally if enough generations of men in your family drink lots of margaritas, a man can get pregnant (google the pregnant man), but it is a rarity because "fruity drinks" are usually not enjoyed by most men.
I've been giving this same answer to people for years and I notice their quizzical looks, but feel pity for their lack of knowledge. My mom told me at a young age that I was conceived after a night of margaritas, so I've had the knowledge for YEARS.
So if you want to prevent pregnancy, don't drink margaritas!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"What are hot dogs made of?"
That is a very good question! I think this is one of those things that we'll never REALLY know the answer to. But, you are fortunate in that I know what is SOMETIMES in hot dogs.
Ever wonder what happened to Jimmy Hoffa's body? Where did Amelia Earhart go? The government was responsible for their disappearances and they found that the best way to get rid of the bodies was to grind them up and put them in hot dogs. Of course they do not want anyone to know this, but Bill Clinton told me one night in Reno.
Now lately no one like that has gone missing, so I can only assume they are stealing puppies and kittens from people... an occasional horse or boa constrictor to spice things up.
But don't worry, if people eat bull testicles as a delicacy, I'm sure eating hot dogs is no big deal.
Bon appetit! And don't forget... my bologna has a first name, it's o-s-c-a-r...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I cheated on my wife with a coworker. Should I tell her?
I'm assuming you're asking should you tell your wife. Because if you have to tell the coworker that you slept with her, your physical prowess comes greatly into question!
Absolutely DO NOT tell your wife. There are so many reasons why you shouldn't, but the major one is that it will be too big of a hassle. She won't trust you, you'll argue, she won't put out for awhile and more importantly, it will make it super hard to have another affair!
Quit being a pansy and also quit being so suspicious. The key to a good extramarital affair is not getting caught. Good luck and have fun banging the next chick! (Try your mother-in-law, that would be wild!)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Of course, I am no licensed psychiatrist although I am more qualified than Dear Abby. Instead of giving you a good answer that might help you, I fully intend to give you a crazy answer that is meant to illicit a chuckle or two.
If you have a question you would like to see answered, feel free to email me or send me the question on twitter.
The particularly good questions will get to be highlighted on my blog.
Please bear with me as I get the site up, running and completely revamped how I want it. I will begin answering questions immediately, but I will be honing my site for a couple weeks.
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