Sunday, October 4, 2009

Desperately Seeking Something

Desperately Seeking Something asks:

I was invited to a Halloween party and can not think of anything to wear! I don't want to look like a dork and just throw on a white sheet. What do you suggest?


My mom always said "be yourself." Okay, YOUR mom probably said that, my mom just said, "conform, conform or everyone will hate you." Anyway, assuming your mom told you to be yourself, why not do that?

And you could just be yourself... but in corpse form. Make yourself look like you've recently been murdered. In order to make this realistic, why not ask a friend to stab you repeatedly in the kidney? You would then be naturally drained of color and not have to wear white face paint. Once you get to the party, feel free to lie down on the floor and let the blood pool. If someone asks if you're okay, don't respond. You can't go out of character.

You'll be the life of the party! You're welcome!

Miss Advice

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jaded Student

Jaded student asks:

I have a fellow student in my class that doesn't do any of the required readings, but still gets the same grades as I do. I don't think this is fair! What can I do?


The first thing you can do is build a bridge. The second thing you can do is get over it. The third thing you can do is take notes because at the end of the day if you are walking away with the same grade, your fellow student has spent their time watching reruns of Saved by the Bell while you poured over some lame textbook. Do you know what song Jessie was singing when she broke down and realized she was addicted to caffeine pills and needed help? If the answer to this is no, you have no life and severely need to get one!

I'm so excited... I'm so excited... I'm so.... scared... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Surprisingly Insightful Child

Surprisingly Insightful Child asks (via his mother):

Does God lose his teeth?


What an interesting question! I asked God because for once, I didn't know the answer. He told me that the only time he loses his teeth is when the devil tempts him to eat Laffy Taffy. That is his one weakness. Otherwise, God is a big advocate of oral hygiene. He brushes his teeth 3 times a day with an Oral B electronic toothbrush. Plus, little known fact is that the reason he was mad at Adam & Eve for eating the apple from the forbidden tree is that those were HIS apples! God's mommy told him that an apple a day keeps the dentist away and so he did not want to share his apples. God avoids doctors and dentists like the plague.

Now, thanks to Johnny Appleseed, there are apple trees everywhere, so God doesn't mind sharing.

Miss Advice

Monday, August 24, 2009

Six Year Old Boy

Six year old boy asks:

Where do babies come from?


That is a very good question! There's this rumor going around that babies are made from men and women "hooking up" and some ridiculous egg and sperm mumbo jumbo, but that is a total myth!

Anyone who has half a brain knows that babies are made in a woman's tummy after she drinks too many margaritas. There is some chemical compound in the alcohol used for margaritas that once it hits a woman's stomach, the churning and whipping around creates a baby!

You might wonder why this doesn't work on men. First is that men tend to drink beer and not margaritas. So, over time evolution has not made those chemical reactions in men. Occasionally if enough generations of men in your family drink lots of margaritas, a man can get pregnant (google the pregnant man), but it is a rarity because "fruity drinks" are usually not enjoyed by most men.

I've been giving this same answer to people for years and I notice their quizzical looks, but feel pity for their lack of knowledge. My mom told me at a young age that I was conceived after a night of margaritas, so I've had the knowledge for YEARS.

So if you want to prevent pregnancy, don't drink margaritas!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Suspicious Eater

Suspicious Eater (via email) asks:

"What are hot dogs made of?"


That is a very good question! I think this is one of those things that we'll never REALLY know the answer to. But, you are fortunate in that I know what is SOMETIMES in hot dogs.

Ever wonder what happened to Jimmy Hoffa's body? Where did Amelia Earhart go? The government was responsible for their disappearances and they found that the best way to get rid of the bodies was to grind them up and put them in hot dogs. Of course they do not want anyone to know this, but Bill Clinton told me one night in Reno.

Now lately no one like that has gone missing, so I can only assume they are stealing puppies and kittens from people... an occasional horse or boa constrictor to spice things up.

But don't worry, if people eat bull testicles as a delicacy, I'm sure eating hot dogs is no big deal.

Bon appetit! And don't forget... my bologna has a first name, it's o-s-c-a-r...

Miss Advice

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Typical Male

Typical Male (via email) asks:

I cheated on my wife with a coworker. Should I tell her?


I'm assuming you're asking should you tell your wife. Because if you have to tell the coworker that you slept with her, your physical prowess comes greatly into question!

Absolutely DO NOT tell your wife. There are so many reasons why you shouldn't, but the major one is that it will be too big of a hassle. She won't trust you, you'll argue, she won't put out for awhile and more importantly, it will make it super hard to have another affair!

Quit being a pansy and also quit being so suspicious. The key to a good extramarital affair is not getting caught. Good luck and have fun banging the next chick! (Try your mother-in-law, that would be wild!)

Miss Advice

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Who Am I?

Welcome to my blog! My name is Miss Advice. The purpose of this site is for you, the general public, to be able to ask moi, an educated smart ass, questions that you have been dying to get the answers to.

Of course, I am no licensed psychiatrist although I am more qualified than Dear Abby. Instead of giving you a good answer that might help you, I fully intend to give you a crazy answer that is meant to illicit a chuckle or two.

If you have a question you would like to see answered, feel free to email me or send me the question on twitter.

The particularly good questions will get to be highlighted on my blog.

Please bear with me as I get the site up, running and completely revamped how I want it. I will begin answering questions immediately, but I will be honing my site for a couple weeks.

And if you like me, share the love and tell your friends! They already hate you, so why not harass them until they bookmark this page and follow me on twitter.

Thanks for visiting!

Miss Advice